It’s been four months to the day that my girlfriend of three and half years broke it off with me. Needless to say, that was a pretty devastating life event. I remember it like it happened yesterday…
It had been a pretty pleasant summer day, all things considered. I worked 9-3 at my job that day, so I was able to sleep until about 8am. I woke up, knowing that she had the day off of her job, but was getting up at the same time as me anyway, so I texted her a quick “Good morning! How are you?” like we would do everyday. It took her a while to respond, but I assumed she had missed her alarm so I followed up with a “Gotta go, I’ll talk to you after work, I love you!” text.
That morning at work was pretty typical. I did my normal stuff, and a while later my phone went off in my pocket. Since it was getting to be my break time anyway, I just went ahead and stepped out back to read it. Her response was “Good morning. TTYL.” No “I love you, too!” or anything else friendly sounding. In fact, not only was that the shortest text she’d ever sent me, but this was also the third day in a row she had forgotten to say “I love you, too”. It finally got to me and I asked her what was up. She just said “We need to talk about our relationship”.
Uh-oh. Those are the scariest words to receive via SMS, aren’t they?
I started freaking out, asking her to please explain further, and she just kept saying the same thing over and over – that she would come over later and talk to me then, and that she wouldn’t answer her phone if I tried to call her. I should have known then, shouldn’t I? I stopped pestering her and went back to work, paranoid about what could be coming.
When it came time to leave work, I immediately tried calling her, and just like she said she would do, she ignored me and sent me to voicemail. I texted her instead, and it took her two hours to say “When should I come over tonight?”. I told her the sooner, the better.
Around 6:30pm it began to rain – and she showed up, and the look on her face said it all. I knew what was coming, but I wasn’t about to let it end without trying to save it.
We went for a walk around the block. The rain fell on my glasses and face, but in the warm weather I didn’t mind. It took her a good two or three minutes to finally say something. According to her, I was pretty much worthless and untrustworthy, because I wasn’t in college, and didn’t have a full-time job with benefits, and because of all of this, she was dumping me. It didn’t matter that I had been there for her through numerous horrible events – I was in the hospital room with her, holding her hand, when we saw her father die in front of us due to lung cancer. I was there to support her throughout the funeral, and to comfort her when she needed it. But none of it mattered anymore, simply because I wasn’t in college? What the actual….
Of course I argued with her about it. I told her what I had told her for the past couple of years – I hadn’t gone to college because I had been denied financial aid. It was like she didn’t believe me, even though it was the truth. So, I had looked around for online classes and found several, but just like looking for a college takes time, so does looking for the right online classes. This last week I had finally found the right ones, and had been working on the first lessons, but she told me it was too late, I hadn’t done it in time, and because of that I was untrustworthy. I told her I needed more time than she was giving me since I had just found the classes, but it didn’t matter. She told me that while I was a wonderful person, I wasn’t her wonderful person, as she felt more like my mother because she constantly nagged me about college. And that was the end of it.
I was devastated. I sent her on her way, and I heard her say something as she was getting in her car, but to this day I have no idea what it was – it doesn’t matter. I had my back turned to her. I wasn’t about to go back inside the house, so I went on a walk in random directions. First, I walked back to work to let my best friend know what was up. Then I went and walked to the grocery store that I now work at as a second job, because I was out of breakfast food and needed some. I think I bought Oreos, too…
Almost every other memory, from the moment of leaving the grocery store until about a week later, is gone. I literally have almost no recollection of what I did that week, except for a few moments – I remember going to Perkins the night of the breakup with friends, who kept buying me chocolate shakes and pieces of pie, but I do not remember the days after. My mind was numb. I was in shock. I wasn’t sleeping more than a couple of hours a night. It felt like a piece of me died.
Anyway, I lost motivation for everything, especially game development for some reason. It felt like I was doing everything for her, and nothing for myself. As time wore on, I slowly realized that she had changed me from a once confident person into a timid, self-doubting person, because she always made me feel like I was doing stuff wrong, or everything I was doing that she didn’t approve of was a bad thing. She got mad at me for playing Skyrim one night after a long day of work, instead of continuing my search for online classes, but since I had been doing that everyday up until that point I felt I could warrant the night off. I stopped taking the lessons after the breakup, though, because it reminded me of her too much. I didn’t even open up my programming software or anything. For four months, I stopped coding entirely. It’s amazing how much one can forget in four months.
Sure, I’ve opened up Unity a couple of times since I’ve bought my iMac and have coded some basic things (rotating cubes, testing the Instantiate() method Unity has, basic things like that), but because I haven’t been programming in that long, I’ve forgotten a lot of the Unity-specific syntax. Uh-oh!
Before the breakup, I was working on “Cuboidz” in GameMaker, which is actually a VERY nice game making tool – but, it had a lot of bugs and wasn’t compatible with Mac OS X, and now that Unity has a native 2D mode, I’m planning on starting the project over anyway!
I felt like “Cuboidz” was coming along nicely – as my first official platformer with actual platformer elements (gravity, item boxes, etc.,.), I felt like I was learning a lot of cool things. I was sad to lose my motivation for working on it, but it is returning – as is my motivation for other things!
As I mentioned earlier, I now have a second job alongside my first, so hopefully I’ll be raking in more money soon! I’ve gotten back into some of my older hobbies too, like videos and films, and have hung out with friends more. It’s amazing how much you can get done when you don’t have a girlfriend anymore! :insert face:
I’ve also bought a PS3, “Skyrim: Legendary Edition”, “Oblivion: Game of the Year edition”, and “GTA V”, and am planning on also getting a PS4 and “The Elder Scrolls Online” next summer. By then, I hope to have a good working demo of “Cuboidz” out, too!
Wow, this was a long post, and I even edited it down to its shortest form… that’s what I get for not posting timely enough updates!